- People are not Loyal-only pets are loyal. This is a lesson that is hard to learn. I have no memories of my mother showing any warmth or kindness to me, only a hard slap on the face if I was the least bit “sassy”. She worked nights as a waitress at the Holiday Inn, so I actually saw very little of her. She left my dad when I was ten years old, so I had to step up and run the household.
As a little girl growing up in a dirty, dysfunctional household with two alcoholic parents; I dreamed of being “loved” But, only my cat, Midnight, truly loved me, she would snuggle with me while I tried to sleep during my mother’s noisy, kitchen parties. I knew I would have to wake up early the next day to clean up, make oatmeal, and lunches for my brother and sister. Mom and Dad both earned good salaries, but there was never healthy food in the house or even nice clothes. We survived on canned beef stew, butter and cheese sandwiches, and sweet tea. I wore hand-me-down clothes that too small to school that caused constant teasing and bullying.
People over the years have disappointed me; a painful divorce, parents that never visited, friends that gossiped about me, a principal that forced me to work 70 hours a week or lose my job and ability to teach in the small town in Tennessee I lived in… Even when I tried to make a “big break” and move to the big city of Nashville, the man I was dating broke up with me the morning I signed the lease to my new apartment ( he had met someone at the YMCA!)
If you are an “outsider” I have been my whole life, except people to be cruel to you, because you do not add to their social status.
- Working hard does not lead to success in life!
Working hard will keep you from being homeless and put food on the table, but will not propel you into the next social class. Promotions at work ( even non-profits) are based on your connections. You have to get promoted at least once early in your career to get your career started. Great example, I was never able to get into school leadership no matter how hard I worked, great test scores, or additional certifications, I didn’t belong. I was a single mom, didn’t go to the right church, didn’t go to the right high school, college, or sorority. I worked with a girl just out of college, and she was promoted as a team leader for a whole department in spite of not having taught one year ( she was obviously well-connected!) Imagine how her career in education will unfold compared to mine. I am sure someday she will have a PhD and be assistant superintendent, while my career languished. We are both equally hardworking and intelligent. The difference is all about connections.
- Your zip code determines whether you will be rich or poor! Social class is alive and well in America! Your zip code determines your health, your schools, the stability of your home life. Overcoming a “poorer” zip code means you lack the “air bags” of life, any set back can be devasting financially. You develop the mindset of the students you attend school with, and it sticks with you for life! People are imprinted by their environment like a gosling imprints with the first thing it sees ( even if it is not a goose!) I have lived a life with zero connections ( only hard work and intelligence), I have watched all the people I have known over the years rise in their careers, marriages, children, vacations, and homes. While I struggled to maintain my teaching career, raise three children by myself, and live a modest lifestyle. But, I probably have better health wealth, and happiness than all the people I know with their connections!
- Impossible to overcome toxic parenting. Being born to neglectful, abusive parents is like being born without an arm. You will always have only one arm, people will stare at you for being different, and you will need to navigate life with only one arm. You may still accomplish amazing things, but with only one arm. No amount of therapy will re-grow your missing limb. When you are not loved as a child, you will always carry the pain and trauma deep inside of you.
- The Lie of “Bucket List” Happiness. The big house, the vacations, the perfect children, happy marriage, and successful career are supposed to make people happy, but they don’t. You can very little in life and have gone through many difficult times, and still find Happiness. People who have had no hardships in life, are like “hot house” flowers, any set-back is difficult for them to overcome. They lack the resilience of the daisy growing in the rock. People who have been given “nothing” in life learn how to survive in the harshest of conditions, bloom when the sun shines, and even spread their seeds.
- Being alone is the worst thing that can happen to you! Learning how to enjoy your inner Peace and quiet your Mind is a gift. People can drain your energy, but being alone recharges you. Having the ability to work through problems without interference from another person leads to personal growth and acceptance. People will let you down, and as you get older, this gets worse. So learn to be your own “best friend” and to thrive on the solitude on your Inner Life.
- You are Happiest when you are young and attractive. Life is hardest when you are young and attractive, you are surrounded by people even more attractive, richer, and in more socially connected than you are. I remember the feeling of attending a “Wive’s Club” when I was a young married woman to a Navy doctor. Everyone around me, had nicer clothes, a bigger house, more well-behaved children, and a more handsome husband. They went on nicer vacations, their husbands were getting promoted faster, and they had loving, doting parents. My ex-husband and I felt so insecure, we both came from poor, middle-class families, and lacked the class and good looks of the people we socialized with. This was even more true at the church we attended. My ex-husband was embarrassed when our three young boys misbehaved, and I was so quiet.
Now, I will be 60, and I compare myself with no one! I feel strong and beautiful, am financially successful, and create the version of my life that gives me Joy!
